Monday, September 13, 2010

Lessons of Humiliation learned

It is now Monday September 13, 2010 and I am about 4 days from my insulin pump. Things are looking really bright for me towards the end of the week; however the last four days have been horrible. I have tried as hard as I can to be positive about my Diabetes and about the Neuropathy because I know I can deal with them and I can learn from them. This weekend my positive attitude failed me, I got depressed and it carried right over into today. I have not had a blood sugar lower than 310 mg/dl (17.22 mmol/l), and the struggle of staying awake due to the high blood sugars has been extremely hard. The Diabetes has been the minor player this weekend however, the Neuropathy decided it was time to rear its ugly head and just prove to me how much control it does have even if I am fighting it.

The pain started on Friday and felt like a minor irritation and then started building. Saturday my legs and hands were on fire. I honestly thought I was cooking from the inside out, I mean the heat was extreme. Thankfully by Saturday night it had subsided and I thought I had made it through. Oh no, such a mistake to make because the Neuropathy was nowhere near done with me. Through the night Saturday night I had some minor electrical glitches going on with in the nerve endings. Sunday was a different story, the minor glitches became ultimate shocks of electrical pain running throughout my body to the point I believed I could run a light bulb without the lamp. Ok yes that is an exaggeration I will admit but trust me if it was possible then I could have done it.

I was miserable and it got worse, Sunday night we had a family night. We watched Hannah Montana with the kids then Extreme Makeover Muppet Edition. During EM I started to get up off the sofa and was unable to. My right leg was numb from the knee down to the foot. Anyone able to guess what happened next? Yep, you are correct I landed on the floor unable to stand, in front of my children and my wife. I felt like an idiot because I could not stand up. The Neuropathy had proved to me that it can ruin my life when and if it wants to. I would rather have 20 people point and stare at me in a store when the twitches happen than fall in front of my family.

My children know what I have and they understand it, but I still try to hide the larger effects of the disease from them. They do not need to see their father at his weakest. I was so humiliated with this incident that when I was able to get up off the floor I went to a different room and really cried. Yes that is right I am an American male admitting that I cried.

Today was my physical therapy day and my occupational therapy day. During my PT session nothing would work correctly, my muscles were so sore from the weekend of hell that everything we did caused a muscle to cramp. It got to the point that the session was canceled early as they really cannot do anything to help when my body is saying no. During my OT session my blood pressure went up causing me to feel dizzy and really unable to focus.

So I am now sitting here pain free but extremely tired, I am drugged up to the extreme to kill the pains so I am sort of foggy about things. I am slightly depressed about feeling helpless this last weekend but I have a bright prospective that what may be my medical savior is now only 4 days away as long as the plan stays on schedule.

For tonight I am going to log off as I am just not here completely but I hope you all have a great night.

No comments:

Post a Comment