Now I have also learned I have two types of seizures, the first and most serious is “cranial seizures” where I just pass out cold to the world. The other all my muscles seize in a large contraction, not convulsive like a grand maul but constrictive where I tense up so bad I cannot move. Ok with the description aside let’s go back to my local grocery store.
I sat there on the bench frozen in a constrictive seizure. I could see everyone pass me and could not ask for help. I sat there almost catatonic watching everyone pass by while my cell phone was ringing off the hook, my mother was trying to find me in the store as she was up front looking for me. I was trapped, seeing the people, wanting to scream to get their attention and yet wanting to cry because of the humiliation. No one ever stopped to see if I was ok, not a customer or an employee, so I sat all to myself locked in my own head.
So when I say I am tired of my disease and humiliation, I hope you understand. I am not giving up the fight I am however taking a temporary pause.
The loss of my own dignity, the humiliation, and society’s general lack of knowledge on the subject has caused me to change my Degree focus for my Bachelors. As of today I started my Bachelors of Science in Human services and Management, this will allow me to become a healthcare social worker. Someone who can listen to a patient and really understand where they are coming from; not nod their head and say it is all in your mind. I have to stop here or I will go off on a tangent.