Tuesday, January 15, 2013

If You Only Knew

The last week has been extremely hard for me, my neuropathy is on a massive overdrive kick to the point I am even experiencing new pains that I did not know a person could have. I spent today in so much pain it was ridiculous, I even tried to hide the pain from everyone that cares about me and loves me because the true extent of the pain is almost unimaginable right now. I was listening to a song from the Inspirations called “If You Only Knew” ad I was crying during the song. I was not crying because it made me think of my dad who I lost last May but because I was praying that the chorus would be about me.  The words are “If you only knew, I'm just going home, your prayers have been answered, my sickness is gone. Things look much better from Heavens view, the sun always shines we're having a good time if you only knew.” Your prayers have been answered my sickness is gone, if going home is the only way please take me home.

Now please don’t think I am considering suicide or something equally as stupid, it is just the thought of no longer having the pain that plagues my life. That thought of painless bliss that reminds me I will not always have this pain, there will come a time when I leave it behind and I will be home where pain will no longer have a hold on me.

I get to go for a sleep study here soon, hoping they will figure out why I don’t sleep either. Even with a c-pap on I can stare at the ceiling all night. I lay there in pain counting dents in my ceiling tile every night, nerves firing off in my body with every number that I count. If you are out there experiencing this pain and you feel that you are alone please take courage in knowing there are others. We may not all speak out about what our lives are like but some of us do, and just like the others I am here for anyone who ever needs an ear to listen to them.

While I do want to go home I know I am here till His work in me is done, this may take a while as I am still meeting people who suffer with our disease who feel they are all alone. Remember you are never alone. Sorry for what seemed to be a bad post, it was a pain vent, one that allows me to still be here for everyone else while releasing some frustration.


  1. Praying for you and your family, John. We love and miss you guys!

  2. My hubby has the exact same pain and talks the same way. He doesnt always reach out to his support system as much as he should, but he is getting better. Don't forget to lean on the ones who love you. As for the sleep issue, he has the same problem. His pain doc gives him muscle relaxers and another med both of which help him sleep (through the pain)
    Take care!

  3. John I am praying for your healing. God has a reason for all of this. And your right when he calls you home all pain will be gone. As I read story's like these it brings me closer to God as I have slipt and fell on my face. I am rebuilding my relationship with Christ one step at a time