The last week has been extremely hard for me, my neuropathy
is on a massive overdrive kick to the point I am even experiencing new pains
that I did not know a person could have. I spent today in so much pain it was
ridiculous, I even tried to hide the pain from everyone that cares about me and
loves me because the true extent of the pain is almost unimaginable right now.
I was listening to a song from the Inspirations called “If You Only Knew” ad I
was crying during the song. I was not crying because it made me think of my dad
who I lost last May but because I was praying that the chorus would be about
me. The words are “If you only knew, I'm
just going home, your prayers have been answered, my sickness is gone. Things
look much better from Heavens view, the sun always shines we're having a good
time if you only knew.” Your prayers have been answered my sickness is gone, if
going home is the only way please take me home.
Now please don’t think I am considering suicide or something
equally as stupid, it is just the thought of no longer having the pain that
plagues my life. That thought of painless bliss that reminds me I will not
always have this pain, there will come a time when I leave it behind and I will
be home where pain will no longer have a hold on me.
I get to go for a sleep study here soon, hoping they will
figure out why I don’t sleep either. Even with a c-pap on I can stare at the
ceiling all night. I lay there in pain counting dents in my ceiling tile every
night, nerves firing off in my body with every number that I count. If you are
out there experiencing this pain and you feel that you are alone please take
courage in knowing there are others. We may not all speak out about what our
lives are like but some of us do, and just like the others I am here for anyone
who ever needs an ear to listen to them.
While I do want to go home I know I am here till His work in
me is done, this may take a while as I am still meeting people who suffer with
our disease who feel they are all alone. Remember you are never alone. Sorry for
what seemed to be a bad post, it was a pain vent, one that allows me to still
be here for everyone else while releasing some frustration.
